I do the book marketing for Nicki and thought I would pen something a little lighter this time. If you’re not a writer or a wannabe writer hopefully you can still relate:
“The Honest Guide to Marketing Your Book: From Bestseller Dreams to Cat Memes”
Attention all aspiring authors! Have you ever dreamed of seeing your book atop the bestseller lists, only to realize that marketing your literary baby is an epic saga in itself? Fear not! Welcome to the honest guide to marketing your book, where I help you navigate the choppy waters of book promotions with a smile, some frustration, and maybe a few tears of laughter.
Chapter 1: “Social Media – AKA Knowns as Desperate Pleas”
Remember when you thought social media was just for sharing cat videos? Well, now it’s your 24/7 book promotion battlefield. You can get creative with some funny cat memes or perhaps use the quote:
“This book is better than (insert incredibly successful author name)’s book, (insert incredibly popular book name)”. Put that quote on a generic image you downloaded from Google and post it on Facebook. You will be surprised when you receive a Cease and Desist Order because the image is copyrighted. Marketing is great… you may need some funds designated for “Legal”.
And that 5 star Amazon review you quoted on Facebook? You know, the one your Mom wrote? It will be deleted by Amazon pretty quickly. You will then have to explain to your Mom why that happened because she “really” loved your book and thinks it’s great! Your Mom has been marketing you all your life, unfortunately that won’t work for your book. Moms are great.
Just to be clear, if your book is about cats and you can justify putting a hunky dude with six pack abs, with long hair and tattoos on the cover (and OMG if you can have him holding a cat!!), you’re already halfway to viral fame. Or better yet, go to Tik Tok and make a video of you petting your cat while reading the first chapter of your book. Tik Tok users really love it if you can put some really annoying music in the background too. We all know that people who are on TikTok are all avid readers. How could that not go viral?
Chapter 2: “The Email Newsletter – Your New Pen Pal Adventure”
Start an email newsletter, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. Now, you’re crafting emails like, “Dear Subscriber, Remember me? I wrote that book you said you’d buy but didn’t. No hard feelings, but seriously, buy my book.” Email subject lines have never been so creative.
Chapter 3: “Merchandising – Because Who Doesn’t Want a Branded Bookmark?”
Ah, merchandise! Obviously if your book is not selling like gangbusters, it’s because you don’t have enough merchandise for sale on your website. Nothing screams “I’ve made it!” like a $3.00 bookmark with your book’s cover on it.
Or better yet, wear a t-shirt with your face on it and a catchy phrase like “This author needs coffee.” Wear it to all social events for maximum exposure (and minimal friends).
Chapter 4: “Book Reviews – The Emotional Rollercoaster”
Getting book reviews is a mix of excitement and terror. It’s like asking someone to judge your soul printed on paper. Remember, every time you read a scathing review, go back and read your mom’s glowing five-star review to balance it out.
Chapter 5: “The Art of the Humble Brag”
Master the humble brag for when your book actually does get some attention. “Oh, this old thing? Just a little project I’ve been working on. It’s no big deal, but it did get a few five star Amazon reviews yesterday.”
Chapter 6: “Friends with Terrible Memories”
Ask all your friends and relatives to read your book and leave a 5 star review on Amazon. When they don’t, it’s because they forgot. If you don’t believe me, just ask them. Getting new friends will not solve the problem. In my experience, all writers’ friends are cursed with poor memories..
Epilogue: “The Sweet, Sweet Smell of Success (Or Is That Just the Coffee?)”
In the end, whether your book becomes a bestseller or remains a hidden gem, the journey of marketing it is one for the books (pun intended). You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll drink an unhealthy amount of coffee. But remember, every famous author was once where you are now – awkwardly trying to figure out Facebook audiences and constantly rewriting email subject lines on their way to certain fame.
So, dear authors, market with your heart, spam gently, and remember, if all else fails, cat videos are your best friend. Happy marketing! 📚🚀🐱